i have a story to tell. my dad was army. special forces, macv sog, blah blah blah. we moved a lot. until viet nam. i had a little brother and sister and an older sister that has a different dad. from 1964 until 1975 my dad was home 30 days a year until he got blown up in a jeep. he did not die. it made him worse. in those 30 days that he was home we would pray he would leave. he tortured us. he did surprise night raids on us and beat us. for 10 years. i learned to sleep with my eyes open. i learned how to be in a bed and make it look empty. i learned to read him and feel if he was going to hurt me when i was around him so i could run. i had the same nightmare my whole life where i was trying to save my little brother and he always died. he turned into a drug addict and died last year. my little sister is killing herself with food. she now weighs 400 lbs. my older sister is an alcoholic. i smoke pot. i ran away and never looked back. i felt i owed a debt to my brother for not saving him but now its paid in full. i am ready to move on from this mess now.
@pptrsha1 , my heart sinks for what you have been through and I cant imagine how you see the world through your experiences. I am glad you dont feel you owe your brother any longer and have moved along with your life. Wishing you the best in this fresh start to your life and leaving the burden behind.
i cried like a dang baby writing that but i feel better. i am going to not carry this any more.
That is brilliant to hear, you are acknowledging the pain you have been suffering and your tears are releasing that energy. You are healing, do you feel like you need to speak to someone ? 
i got court ordered help for anger. they said i would let it go when i was ready. i am
Keep up that positivity. You have said you are ready, you are starting something new. I wish you smiles and a happy heart.
That took amazing courage to write. My heart is with you.
i came back to delete it because it was my secret. my daughter told me secrets hurt so i will leave it.
Now it’s behind you. Leave it there. Look forward just keep looking forward.
I cried too. Life is chaotic. In that chaos is danger and beauty. Most don’t get to experience true danger. I feel this allows life to be experienced deeper than others because of the extreme knowledge of the good and the bad. I am very happy you are good enough to share it now.
(Honored that it was with us.) Secrets eat away at you. That’s why the truth always comes out. I’m glad your better now. I’m sad for your siblings.
Hopefully they will take some guidance from you.
I lived an abusive childhood. I know the fear. It has effected me my entire life. It has made my character very strong. It allowed me to be there for others. It was very helpful for others who didn’t have the strength, which I am very grateful for.
Stay strong. I’m proud of you for your strength. We are always growing in everyway!
My dear Sister @pptrsha1,
From the bottom of my heart…
Thank you 
Thank you for sharing your pain with us, thank you for showing amazing courage and Thank you for not deleting your post.
My dear friend, this is your truth, never run from it, embrace it, those shadows can’t hurt you anymore, let the tears flow, unload your pain to the wind and let it drift away…
You are an amazing, strong, beautiful person, that I have come to call friend.
Nothing this world can throw at you will ever defeat you. You’re a bad ass warrior Grandma that has been through hell and back and you’re still HERE!
I for one am happy, thank you for blessing us with your friendship and your past.
Much love Trish 
Thanks for sharing your story- glad you are here to tell it. 
out to you
Enlightened420 said it best
Hugs to your for your braveness in sharing and leaving it here.
A good friend and colleague on here gave some advice that resonated with me. Something along the lines of in chaos there is change. And wow, the last couple weeks have been a world of chaos. I thought I would bring this up as I appreciate this post to banter, rant and let off some steam.
Well my life is upside down and inside out. I am not afraid of chaos, or change. But yes, the biggest change is I broke up with my partner and asked her to leave. To say the least its been difficult, she is keeping the children, which makes her happy and our “divorce” easier. We have had our shouts, anger coming to the surface, jealousy and all the emotions that go with the fear of the unknown. I decided to give up drinking during this period, as there is alot of dark energy around, gossip, rumours and fights between people locally. My reasons are it helps stabilise my emotions which I known are being folded away into a cupboard somewhere. The good news is we have both had loads of big and small blessings during this period. We went for a offroad trip yesterday who will be adopting my partners pigs ( she does not trust us here as we eat meat ) , met an amazing esoteric lady that only leaves her house once a month and lives more remotely than any women I have ever met. She is the perfect home for our pigs and possibly going to take a couple donkeys in the new year!
We had fun, although we are living together, we are on our new paths and bulldozing through what needs to be done. All my unanswered questions, insecurities and BS needs to stay away for awhile and focus on the goal, get my partner to her new homestead next week, safe and sound.
I thought I would mention this as festive time is not all xmas cake and cookies for everyone. Focus on your dreams, keep calm, and be kind, we are all fighting our own battles, big and small. Wishing you all a merry xmas and a dank new years. Wishing for a greener 2022.
All the best to you in these tough times man.
It sucks that you have to go through this. I’m sorry. Thank you for helping keep everything in perspective. Be well.
tis the season brother! same boat as you only i am not as kind as you.
Back atcha and thinking of you during these hard times …
hey
One of our oldest members lost a good friend to suicide the last couple of days. Suicide is a shock to most people, and rips hearts out. Often the people dont talk about it, or dont have a way to express themselves. I think this topic is on point for people to find someone to talk with, banter, rant and rave. There is always someone to talk to. Below are some important numbers for members based in USA. Trust you all well, keep on smiling.
